Have you ever actually read the Alumni Notes that people post in their college allumni magazines? I haven't seen such puffery and blatant self-promotion outside of Senate press conferences. Well, I decided that if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Putting my recently honed satirical skills to work, I wrote an alumni note of my own. Let's see if they publish it.
(All names have been changed to protect the innocent)
Hi Fellow Alums!
Sorry I haven’t written in a while, but it’s been a busy few years. Let’s see: where to begin?
Let’s start with the kids. Both Buffy and Johann are in school full-time now and seem to love it. We’re committed to the public school system, but we do supplement their normal curricula just to keep them sharp. You know, the usual: dictionary memorization or biology before breakfast, number theory in the evenings. They can’t get enough of irrational numbers! We expect Buffy to finish college by age 13 (14 if she double majors) but we plan to let Johann go through school at the normal pace so that he can get that football scholarship. Some dreams just have to be pursued, you know?
My wife Roberta figured out the answer to the question, “What do you do with a BA in English?” You write Jewish pop music, of course! After finding decent international success with her first two CDs, she is now entertaining offers from several major record labels. The real deal-breaker – besides royalties and distribution, of course – is getting one of them to commit to a concert tour slate that fits in with the kids’ vacation schedules. She’ll work it out perfectly, of course. She always does!
That leaves me, I suppose. It’s been several years since I struck out on my own, but my company is doing well. We were a little disappointed at only moving up 43 places in the Inc. 500 this year, but my sales guys have promised to do better this year, and I believe them! The IPO plans are still on track for some time next spring, so I’m not worried. The business slowdown had a beneficial side effect, though, since it enabled me to finish my third book, If I Can Do It, Anyone Can! Look for it in the business/self-help section of your local Barnes & Noble this spring!
With such a busy life, I need to find ways to relax. For me, that means bicycling. I finished my third 100-mile ride of the year over Labor Day weekend, but I don’t know if I’ll have time to get in another one before the weather turns. That ride up Mt. Washington sure looks tempting, though!
If any college friends out there want to reconnect and get the real inside scoop, you can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Hope to hear from you soon!
Class of ‘92
File under: Humor, Writing